Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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