Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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