I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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