im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
