She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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