Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
