I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
