I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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