i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
