everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
