dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
