Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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