Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
