Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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