My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
