my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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