At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
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He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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