Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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