We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
