he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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