Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
