When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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