One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
