it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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