I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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