I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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