Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
