I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I just put wine in my tea
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
