A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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