a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
