you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
