How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
