There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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