you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
