Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
