apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
