Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
