Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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