1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
