Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
