she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
