Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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