Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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