dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
