life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
