he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
