Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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