I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
