life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
