I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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