Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
