why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
