some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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