Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
