I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
