I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
