found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
