you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
