I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
