Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
