This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
