can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
