Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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