she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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