hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
