Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
